Conversing With Shame

An excerpt from a journal entry

In many healing or wellness circles, we’re instructed to treat ourselves with compassion, but it’s difficult to find examples of how to do that. I don’t know of any, at least. “Be kinder to yourself” is a really nice way of saying, “I don’t know how to help you.”
I don’t know if sharing this journal exercise will help you. I hope it does. I’m still a tear-stained mess as I type this, but I feel significantly better than I’ve felt for a few days.

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“What is the name of what I’m feeling? What emotion is causing me to cry if I quiet my mind?”
My name is Shame.
“Why are you here, Shame? What do you need to say?”
You don’t have your shit together, and you’re selfish for making your friends comfort you when they have their issues going on, too. We’re all struggling, so why do you need extra care?
”Ouch, that hurts. Life threw a lot of curve balls at me this year. Are you saying it’s my fault that the shop I work at isn’t doing well and my hours were cut? Am I responsible for the economy being what it is? I’m not to blame for those things.”
You should have been prepared.
”I can’t prepare for what I don’t know to expect, especially when I’m trying to survive. What’s the real reason you’re here?”
I’m afraid.
”What are you afraid of?”
I’m afraid that making these changes — going to school, looking into publication, all these things we’re trying out — won’t make anything easier. I’m afraid I won’t ever be able to support myself, and that I’ll always be struggling. I’m afraid I’ll be a burden to my friends forever.
”That’s a lot to be afraid of.”
There’s a lot of uncertainty.
”There is, and you’re not alone in feeling uncertain and afraid. A lot changed this year, and the carpet kind of got pulled out from under you. You were too burnt out to be afraid for a while, and then you had to focus on finding yourself again, do you remember that? Besides, where do you think we ‘should’ be anyway?”
In a cabin in the mountains without leaf blowers and loud engines and neighbors around — now owing any money, away from humans.
”I know you’re a wild shaman in your soul, but is that realistic? Can you make that happen today?”
Guess not.
”’Should’ is a pretty vague term anyway, and subjective to opinion. Are you saying an ostrich ‘should’ be able to fly because it has wings?”
Well, no…
”What else is there?”
It’s not envy, but I do wonder if I’ll ever experience stability the way my siblings and other friends do.
”Do you want a life like theirs?”
No.
”Then what does it matter?”
I don’t want to feel like I’m one minor expense away from drowning all the time.
”I know, that’s a challenging feeling. That’s why we’re looking at school again. That’s why we’re going to research how to self publish. We can’t run away from the world; we have to be part of it. How do you want to be part of it?”
I want to write about the trees and the mushrooms and insects and wild things. I want the people to know how badly our beloved earth is hurting, but she still loves us. I want to be a voice for the Earth.
”I like that a lot. Let’s work on that today, okay?”
Okay.
”Your friends love you, you know. Exactly as you are right now. You were in a corkscrew self-worth spiral all day yesterday, but still — without being asked — dropped everything to care for your friend’s sick child so she wouldn’t miss a day of work. Would a selfish person do that?”
Probably not.
”Would the selfish people you know — your bio-father or your ex-husband or your brother — do that?”
Definitely not.
”So even if you can’t quite see outside of the fear, you’re still showing up for your friends. That means you’re not as self-absorbed as you think you are.”
That’s… a good point.
”Let’s go read about mushrooms, and see if there’s a poem somewhere in there.”

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Working through sticky feelings is about shifting perspective. Shame has been a long-term companion of mine, and I’m sure this won’t be the last conversation I have with them. But shifting the perspective, even by just a few degrees of kindness, helps. Your perspective and approach to self-compassion may look different from mine; good. Do what resonates with you.
I hope you can treat yourself kindly today. I hope your conversations with the sticky parts of your inner world can be done with compassion.

I’m going to go find poetry in mushrooms.